A Grandparent’s grief: finding support at Hummingbird House

I think as grandparents, we’ve lost our granddaughter, but we also lost our child. She's not who she used to be. This was something that could never be fixed. It is so hard to deal with knowing what Crystal had to deal with, going through this pain.

Bronwyn was so excited to be welcoming her grandchild into the world. Her daughter Crystal had experienced a smooth pregnancy, so when she got to full term the whole family was eagerly waiting to hear the good news.

And then the unthinkable happened. Crystal called her mum to say she was worried that she had stopped feeling any movement from the baby. Her husband Ryan rang in tears and asked Bronwyn to get up to the hospital immediately.

"Crystal and Ryan were inconsolable. There was no heartbeat. They didn't know what was going to happen next," Bronwyn recalls.

Monitoring and tests sadly showed that Crystal and Ryan’s baby girl Whittaker had died in utero.

Finding support at Hummingbird House

After the devastating news, they were introduced to Hummingbird House, as a place they could honour their precious Whittaker, as well as their Maori culture which holds the belief that someone should always stay with the body of the deceased.

We did a tour with Hummingbird House and knew it was the place we needed to be. They allowed us to grieve in a way we were accustomed to.

Their extended family ended up spending 6 days at Hummingbird House, receiving after-death and bereavement care. It was here they could care tenderly for little Whittaker, putting a nappy on her for the first and only time, having visitors meet her, taking photographs of their short time with her, and holding a memorial service on the Hummingbird House rooftop.

"It has been gutwrenching and enlightening learning how to appreciate every day since," Bronwyn shares. "I had been dealing with the grief myself until Taki at Hummingbird House mentioned the Grandparents Group she runs".

The unique role of grandparents

Many bereaved grandparents say the loss of a grandchild is two fold – there is the grief and devastation at the loss of their grandchild but also feelings of helplessness for the grief their own child is experiencing.

"I think as grandparents, we’ve lost our granddaughter, but we also lost our child. She's not who she used to be. This was something that could never be fixed. It is so hard to deal with knowing what Crystal had to deal with, going through this pain.

I felt selfish that I was grieving - this was their pain that I was feeling. You have to mask your own grief and I found myself grieving alone a lot. But I still had to be a strong mum for her".

Grandparents Group

The Grandparents Group was started by Hummingbird House’s Family and Community Support team to give grandparents dealing with bereavement a place to connect with others sharing the same experience.

"I went in there open minded not knowing what to expect. Everyone has a different story," Bronwyn said. "Hearing it was ok to be feeling the way we do and be able to share it with each other has been so helpful."

We are not judged, we can cry and be each other's support. Gaining strength for each other has been very rewarding and healing.

Participants in the group are encouraged to share what they are comfortable with, and many bring a memento of their grandchild which holds special meaning for them. A number of them have even had hummingbirds tattooed on their bodies as a reminder of the special connection they have to the House.

The group meets four times a year, with participants travelling from as far as Toowoomba to meet at Hummingbird House’s Chermside campus. They have recently worked together to create a pamphlet to help other bereaved grandparents.

Healing through connection

In the darkest of times Bronwyn has forged a special connection with Whittaker’s other grandmother Robyn who also attends the Grandparents Group. The family has now been connected to Hummingbird House for 4 years, and each year they have a memorial dinner on the rooftop of Hummingbird House, just like they did when they last held Whittaker in their arms.

‘Having this ongoing support has really helped hold us together as a family. We will always be connected to Whittaker and to the people who knew and cared for her and us’.